This post isn't going to be about Lucy whining, although I could easily come up with a rant or two about whining and how it makes the hair on my arms stand on end and my teeth hurt, but insteadI'm going to whine. Don't get all excited that this is going to be funny or even original. It is your standard "working Mom feeling sorry for herself whine." Like I said- not original so if you're bored already I'll understand. Just click away to another more interesting blog.
First, I should be clear- I love my job. I worked hard to get where I am, which isn't to say I'm anywhere super awesome, but I have a challenging job where I get to help people and I have an awesome boss and co-workers. I put in the years in school then residency and I have the student loans to prove it. The job I do isn't like what most pharmacists do and I am lucky to get to work so closely with physicians and nurses. I love my job.
However, I love Lucy and my time with her oh so much more.
What's not to love?
It's been a constant struggle ever since I went back to work. It must be what every working Mom struggles with. I don't want to leave her for 8hrs everyday in the care of a relative stranger (although, in all fairness Miss Bobbie has become like an extension of our family). I miss Lucy every second I'm away. Some days I'm so exhausted by the time I get home from work I just don't have it in me to prepare a meal. I wonder if I'm giving the best of myself to relative strangers (although, in all fairness, some of my patients have been sticking around the hospital for so long lately I'm starting to feel like an extension of their families). I hate that I can only piece together an outline of what I think happened during Lucy's day from the questions I ask Miss Bobbie and the sometimes strange quotes from my child. Knowing that this time in her life is so fleeting and precious rips my insides out most days.
But at the same time, I'm too chicken to make any changes. As previously mentioned, I've got this awesome job that requires me to be there full time. Going part-time is not an option if I want to keep doing what I do. Going in a different direction career-wise would mean cutting off the possibility of this type of work in my future because it's not the type of thing you can go back to in 10 years. And then there's the loans. And the fact that I want to make sure Lucy can go to college and graduate without the weight of her own massive loans. I want to give her the wedding of her dreams someday, and yes, I'd like to retire in relative comfort. Also, I won't lie- I enjoy the lifestyle to which I've become accustom. Sure we could cut back, but I never ever want to lie awake at night wondering if we'll be able to make the house payment this month or what we'd do if the washing machine broke.
Beyond finances, I want to be be an example to Lucy that being a woman means you have unlimited possibilities. Having a career and being a Mom do not have to be two mutually exclusive things. If she wants to be a working mother I want her to know that she can be. I don't want her to feel my guilt if this is the kind of life she wants for herself. I want her to change the world and have babies too!
I have no illusions about what it would mean to be a stay at home mom. I know that it would be hard and I know that somedays I would really wish I could escape to a job somewhere. I do fantasize about staying at home and in my fantasies I plan arts and crafts and fun educational outings. I serve wholesome organic meals and limit her tv viewing to a couple of hours a week. We join play groups and go to story time at the library. I happily keep the house neat and tidy and have time to go the gym. But I know that's not reality. In reality I'd probably stay in my pjs till noon or later most days and shower only occasionally. I'd be too intimidated at the idea of trying to meet new people to actually go to any of those play groups- I do a good impression of an extrovert from time to time but no, I'm completely socially awkward.
So if I have all these reasons not to be a SAHM why am I so hung up on it? Why can't I just make peace with my life and be happy? Is it just that I've never been a SAHM so the what ifs get to me? Am I ignoring my true calling or am I just a big ol' baby too weak and scared to make the tough decisions? If I am where I'm supposed to be why can't I find the peace in it? Do you ever find peace in your role as a mother? Would changing the situation create a whole new list of what ifs? Why am I blogging about this? Am I just seeking attention and sympathy? (ok, so I know the answer to this last one is yes- have I mentioned before that I'm totally co-dependent to the point that it affects my functionality?) Is this post too long already?
If you have the answers to any of these questions please, do share. In the mean time I guess I'll just act with my inaction and hope Lucy manages to become a fully functional, independent, law abiding citizen who loves her mother despite me. Good thing she's at least got Wes (her one normal parent). Oh, wait...
